Thursday, May 11, 2006

Quality Assurance Announcement

Dear Reader,

Some less sophisticated blogs considered it a mark of achievement or high standing to be able to stir up drama within the comments of their posts. Comments such as those left by a certain individual in a recent post. I will not be one of those blogs, however this event gives me pause to stop and assure you, the reader, of the quality of reporting that goes on here.

The person (I can only assume, since only a name was left), who triggered this, identified themselves merely as "Dave", hiding behind the anonymity of the millions of "Dave"s which populate our planet to launch this underhanded attack. I will not lower myself to refute the multitude of falsehoods perpetrated by this cowardly individual or individuals. For example, the accusation that I was "complaining" about the forced labour that I was required to bear. Can such a point even be raised? I was clearly outlining the facts bereft of any sentiment to which they might be attached. A lesser person might use their blog as pedestal upon which to launch a counter-attack, but I will stray from that temptation and simply affirm that no person should ever have any doubt as to the opinions expressed on this blog. This blog adheres and will continue to adhere to a standard of utmost truthiness (2005 Word of the Year).


The Management

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Dave said...

First of all, I want to assure all of the readers out there that while it is true that there are millions of Dave's out there, they're all clearly inferior representations of myself, The One True Dave. It is unfortunate that so many people have chosen to try and embellish their own greatness by taking on my name, but I can hardly be responsible for this misguided attempt at greatness. I can only assume that these pitiably people are acting out of their own angst as a result of being painfully aware of how their own abilities fall so short of my own (any moron can clearly see this to be true) and wanting to confer some greatness by association by taking on my own name.

However, what is completely unforgivable is this disturbing and morally reprehensible action to try and sully the image of The One True Dave undertaken by someone or some group of people who only identify themselves with the nebulous title 'the Management.' Not only is the management bereft of any moral high ground based on its clearly groundless claims about The One True Dave, it is painfully obvious that the management in question is to manager as Paris Hilton is to intelligence or Charles Manson or Paul Bernardo is to good, pure, family wholesomeness. I mean, not only are the qualifications of this person not identified but they clearly have a poor command of the english language! (Let this be a lesson to you children, don't trust anything foreign- except for Japanese cars and German watches- you can take that to the bank!).

Note the painfully obvious grammatical errors in the first two sentences- these mistakes clearly identify the author as someone who cannot be trusted and provide me with a high index of suspicion that they are insane- possibly criminally so. The content of this post removes all doubt. The author in question is clearly in need of having their rights removed by the state and being provided with the best possible institutionalized care that we can provide. However, since the author needs so clearly outstrip the abilities of modern medical science, in the interest of public safety we must prevent this person from ever being allowed access to any weapons- starting with the written word. Since this will be fraught with difficulties, we're left with no recourse but to condemn this person to be cryogenically frozen until such time as we can adequately support him/her (definitely the work of a gender confused individual), or, as is more likely to be the case, until Christ's second coming.

Please, rest assured, it is in the highest sense of truthiness that I have written this, as well as my previous post.

Forever yours in the noble and just cause of truthiness, The One True Dave.

Lindsey said...

Wow. That's a lot of drama!